Fighting my sleep , in the dark

They say that if you put yourself out there you'll get what you want . You can make it happen if you just try.

That might be true for some things and not others or there could be things out there where this is the best way to go about it . If thats true then there are things that wont happen no matter how hard you try or how far you put yourself out . Laws of the universe . Thats just the way it is .

Sometimes its more complicated than just putting yourself out . It depends on the person and the situation. For me its hard to put myself out of my comfort zone .

Past experiences have taught me that putting myself out almost always results in getting hurt or disappointed. So when it comes to things that require bravery or strength i tend to try and play it safe .
You never get hurt if you dont put yourself in a position to be hurt . logic

The thing is what if this time things could be different ?. It could all be fine and work the way i want it to . All i have to do is man up and throw caution to the wind . I want to be brave and i want to be strong .

Sensitivity and empathy are very good qualities in a man . They are also huge burdens . At times i wish i could be an asshole . Just be nasty when the time asks for it . That way i could just defend myself with a thick skin and if people get to me i could just push them away and be safe....play it safe .
If i was nasty and didn't care then i wouldn't have to worry about the people around me . I could be tough and things would be easier but im not tough ...i cant be nasty and i cant stop myself from caring .
The simplest way i can explain it is like this: If two people are exhausted and lying in bed . The one falls asleep while the other fights through their tiredness and stays up all night because he doesn't want to disturb the other person by moving or maybe making to much noise while sleeping - I'm the one who stays up .

I care . I care a lot and because i care so much i end up worrying .


This time i want to put myself out . If i dont get out my comfort zone I risk loosing something special .
I can feel it slipping and i dont know if im just over analyzing and its fine or im right in thinking that its deteriorating. The advice im getting is all the same . " just go for it , what have you got to loose ?". I have got something to loose . All the good vibes could be lost and in their place awkwardness could remain. I dont mind feeling awkward but i dont want other people to feel that way . Its not a nice feeling for anyone .

I dont want to put myself out because i am afraid . I am scared . I wish there was a sign that says its ok . Its ok to go for it . Go for it , i want you to go for it ... Or , dont go for it . I just want to know .

Life would be so much easier if we all had a sign that we wore around our necks saying what we want from other people. It would save so much worry , fear , heartache . Even a sign saying , It'll be ok would work.

Im tired now . I'm tired of feeling in the dark , not just in situations like this but other ones as well .
I'm a nice person . I get mad at people like everyone does but i feel bad for being mad even when me being angry is ok , when i have a right to be angry .

I dont want to fight my sleep in the dark anymore .

Im not depressed about this whole situation, Just peaking my mind and if this post changes things then i"ll happy . If it doesn't then life goes on . Basically i just want to say that im not one to sit back and go with the flow . I just want to know .