mixed emotions

I look down and see the writing , words once brought a smile now the etchings made in humor and excitement force happiness away.

I cannot smile. To smile would be to give way to the act of letting go . To be ok with it . I dont want to be ok with it yet at the same time these etchings make me want to move on .

Tiredness , weakness , anger , dispare and loneliness linger on . The feelings come and go like ocean waves on sand . Tiny granules like millions of thoughts covered in emotion like water .

Encounters like exciting daggers are inevitable . These encounters are a vivid splash of color . Bright against dark . Separate but still one form .

This being brings inspiration . Why?...

I feed on it . Why ?...

I need it but dont want it .

Why?....

    

Followers

2 Followers and 300+ views . Something doesn't add up . Surely if you you guys enjoy reading my posts then follow them ? , I need incentive  to write people . Who knows what hidden talent i might have . Maybe one day i could discover my literary genius and God given talent . My path to this point would be determined by the visible popularity of my blog . BUT that will never happen , at this rate anyway . By not following me you guys may be killing the dream and motivation of possibly the next Steven King .

Please people , help a brother out .

love

Relationships are difficult . Its hard to find someone worth your time and its equally hard to hold onto them and make it work, However it is even harder to trust again after a relationship filled with pain and sadness.

Not a former love sick puppy , just a guy who has experienced such things. When you're young everything seems wonderfully care free . Everything we experience for the first time is exciting , even the bad things.

So it goes without saying that the first time we love it seems like the best thing in existence . Living in a world of bliss where your entire being beats and throbs for that one person . That person holds your heart in there hands and you foolishly , youthfully trust them with it . Heart break is not guaranteed but it can happen to anyone at anytime .

In the beginning things were beyond belief . Everything on the planet seemed somehow enhanced as though she was a drug for the world . Food tasted better , music spoke to your soul and you could find unmatchable happiness in everything and anything .

I felt as though I could find the capacity to do anything for her . Anything she asked I would try my very best to do. My reason being payment . Payment for her life and the fact that she had chosen to make me a part of it . I lived for this girl .

She wanted to be an actress , or a singer . I went to watch one of her shows , i saw it twice - Hairspray the musical . She was brilliant . I thought that it was the best show i had ever seen just because she was in it.

As time went on I felt that I could not be happier . I was on ecstasy , love ecstasy . Just instead of it slowly fading , it grew stronger and stronger . All my problems disappeared and could feel that she was becoming my other me . She knew me , the person i am deep down inside . She could tell me what i was thinking by just looking at me.

I met my soul mate when I was 17 on a golf course .

She told me that she loved me for the first time while i was on stage and she was in the audience . I lost my place and messed up the solo but i didn't care.

When she first told me that she was moving away i was shattered . She was moving to England and Leaving me behind. It was horrible but we decided that we would make the time we had together count. And then when we were older we would find each other again . I know now that our plan won't happen.

People often say that children don't know what love is but with time i have realized that what we had was love .

As time went on i began to notice that she was changing , becoming more emotional , angry , possessive. I would later realize that this was her way of not being able to deal with her sadness. This inability would be what would turn our relationship from a castle into ruins and rubble.

It ended and she went away. I didn't go to say goodbye at the airport, i still regret it . I tried to move on but i couldn't . I just wanted her back here with me , i want to have a fight with her, i want her to be mad at me for something , anything . All the negatives were irrelevant . I could have dealt with them and if i didn't know how i would find a way.

3 months passed before she found a new boyfriend . She wrote on his wall everyday just like she used to write on mine , a small thing i should have appreciated more . She called him the same nicknames that she had called me .

I tried to meet new people. I tried so hard . No one like her .

Since then every person who I felt i could let in has left me disappointed and alone . I have no trust in love or the prospect of relationships anymore . It sounds dramatic but im not sobbing over my keyboard as i write this . Im just speaking the truth .

It takes a lot to put yourself out and trust again , you vulnerably put yourself out there . Open to hurt but hopeful that things will be ok . In 2 years I've yet to be proven wrong

Im still hoping though .

















       

a one liner

" you are my child . I love you a lot . I would kill anyone for you " - Dad

Peace

Maybe I should stop using my writing to express my feelings , it can be dangerous i think to show the how world what you look like on the inside .

A good friend of mine told me last night that i have a talent for writing . I laughed him off . He told me that i should write a book. I laughed him off again . There are many people who write better than i do . They use longer words , awesome metaphors and seem to spit these lines that you just hear and think genius. Im not like that .

The thought of writing a book has crossed my mind . What to write about though? i've never been one for making up stories . My essays in school were shit .

Ok fuck it . I'm just gonna continue to post stuff that says whats going on in my life . Today was shit . i woke up thinking that today would better than yesterday and the day before that . It wasn't . In fact it was harder . I thought it you be fine but it wasn't . I was caught of guard and wasn't able to anticipate it.

Its time like these that i hate music . I hear a song that normally makes me happy and now its just makes me uncomfortable . The words that once filled me with joy burn and turn to ash and im left feeling shit .

Theres so much work to be done , so many things to think about and theres no way to escape it . Sure you could go do something that distracts you for awhile but then it all comes back and you have to deal with it . Sometimes i wish i could freeze time and just gather my thoughts or have a rest .

In this fantasy i can chose who i want to freeze time with . So i wont be lonely while the rest of the world is still and quiet .

It would be peaceful .....

Fighting my sleep , in the dark

They say that if you put yourself out there you'll get what you want . You can make it happen if you just try.

That might be true for some things and not others or there could be things out there where this is the best way to go about it . If thats true then there are things that wont happen no matter how hard you try or how far you put yourself out . Laws of the universe . Thats just the way it is .

Sometimes its more complicated than just putting yourself out . It depends on the person and the situation. For me its hard to put myself out of my comfort zone .

Past experiences have taught me that putting myself out almost always results in getting hurt or disappointed. So when it comes to things that require bravery or strength i tend to try and play it safe .
You never get hurt if you dont put yourself in a position to be hurt . logic

The thing is what if this time things could be different ?. It could all be fine and work the way i want it to . All i have to do is man up and throw caution to the wind . I want to be brave and i want to be strong .

Sensitivity and empathy are very good qualities in a man . They are also huge burdens . At times i wish i could be an asshole . Just be nasty when the time asks for it . That way i could just defend myself with a thick skin and if people get to me i could just push them away and be safe....play it safe .
If i was nasty and didn't care then i wouldn't have to worry about the people around me . I could be tough and things would be easier but im not tough ...i cant be nasty and i cant stop myself from caring .
The simplest way i can explain it is like this: If two people are exhausted and lying in bed . The one falls asleep while the other fights through their tiredness and stays up all night because he doesn't want to disturb the other person by moving or maybe making to much noise while sleeping - I'm the one who stays up .

I care . I care a lot and because i care so much i end up worrying .


This time i want to put myself out . If i dont get out my comfort zone I risk loosing something special .
I can feel it slipping and i dont know if im just over analyzing and its fine or im right in thinking that its deteriorating. The advice im getting is all the same . " just go for it , what have you got to loose ?". I have got something to loose . All the good vibes could be lost and in their place awkwardness could remain. I dont mind feeling awkward but i dont want other people to feel that way . Its not a nice feeling for anyone .

I dont want to put myself out because i am afraid . I am scared . I wish there was a sign that says its ok . Its ok to go for it . Go for it , i want you to go for it ... Or , dont go for it . I just want to know .

Life would be so much easier if we all had a sign that we wore around our necks saying what we want from other people. It would save so much worry , fear , heartache . Even a sign saying , It'll be ok would work.

Im tired now . I'm tired of feeling in the dark , not just in situations like this but other ones as well .
I'm a nice person . I get mad at people like everyone does but i feel bad for being mad even when me being angry is ok , when i have a right to be angry .

I dont want to fight my sleep in the dark anymore .

Im not depressed about this whole situation, Just peaking my mind and if this post changes things then i"ll happy . If it doesn't then life goes on . Basically i just want to say that im not one to sit back and go with the flow . I just want to know .

Followers !!! Followers!!!!...My Kingdom For Followers !!!

Do you know how exciting it is to see that my page views are growing ?? its like an adrenaline needle to the face , ok not really but i do get happy.
Then i look at my followers and see that there is but only one ....Kills my vibe guys . Please follow me and make my day ? , i've got sweets? ....

Anyway . Today was a good day apart from the hour and half car drive to get back home from college. Peak hour traffic , bumper to bumper . I decide that im going to be clever and take an alternate route home only  to find that i had gone the way that was most promising to have delays . So an hour down, 10 cigarettes later i decide that i will treat myself to McDonalds when i get into town.

I take the tollroad because its almost always quicker . I get to the tollroad and struggle for my wallet wich is in my back pocket. Eventually i get it out and manage to pay the lady R8 , i put the wallet down on the passenger seat and slowly start to sink into a day dream , a juicy, crispy , chicken fillet filled day dream .

I continue to drive towards Hillcrest , therein lies the holy temple that is Mc D's . Through the two robots and into the parking lot . Next reach for my wallet ........ What wallet?
Thats right my wallet is gone . Vanished .
Fuming I stop through McDonalds to their toilets . Have a wee and return to my car .
My car is an old school Four wheel drive Toyota Prado ....Aka diesel eater aka eats more diesel than any other car aka eats more fucking diesel than you can possibly imagine .... Back to the wallet though.
Now im pissed. Ive been wanting this fucking burger for an hour and a bit . I rip off the floor matts , throw everything else into the back and look for this fucking thing . IT IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

Its teasing me because I know that it is in the car because i used it to pay toll fee . Its hiding because it knows i've had a long day and im fucked off . eventually i give up and lie down across the two front seats and prepare to cry in the middle of McDonalds parking lot ... the security guard is watching me like " story of my life bro " i dont care im much to sad to care . Then out of the corner of my eye i see the little bastard peaking out at me from under an old news paper on the floor .

I got my burger ......it was amazing .

Someday never comes

First thing i remember is asking Granddad why , 

because there were many things i didn't know.

And Gramps always smiled , took me by the hand .

He said someday you'll understand.

Someday never comes.

By the time the tears went by.

And he collected dust.

Still there are many things that i don't know.

When Gramps went away, he said try to be a man.

And someday you'll understand.

You better learn fast , you better learn it young.

Because someday never comes.

Every now and then .

I feel him hold my hand.

When there are many things I still don't know.

Death isn't easy , we all can understand .

That day I became a man.

Parents

My god , parents must be the most irritating people on the planet.

I have been having such a chilled week so of course a fight is inevitable. Sitting with my father and mother , eating supper. I decide to tell them what i have done today so i said that i had gone to lunch at Gateway - the big shopping mall near my varsity .

My father turns to me and says with a tone in his voice "did you use moms car?"... My mothers car is what im using to drive myself around . Its technically not her car , shes got a new car and im driving the one she used to drive. Its a big 4 x 4 that cost an arm and leg to fill up.

So i said to my father yes i did take moms car. So he asked with even more of a tone , the kinda tone that he uses when he expects me to give him the answer that he wants, the kind of answer that makes me sound silly so i said i'm putting fuel into the car using my own money .

my mother then says ," but you filled the car up on the weekend  " obviously i have used some of the fuel since i filled up ...

long story short , my father ( asshole ) ends up loosing his rag and then because im pissed off with how he's speaking to me i loose my rag .

My mom then gets involved and shouts at me . Now i look like i am a cheeky , disrespectful child.
I thought they would be happy that i am actually making a plan to get around, using initiative behaving like an adult .....nope .
They dont get it and im fucking sick off it.
I cannot wait to move out.

ok the nasty part is over now to write without anger . To move out would be nice . It would be nice for everyone . Not nearly as much fighting and we'd all have more free space . Not rubbing each others shoulders all day .

pheeeeeeeeeeeew thank god im not here all day . that would be worse than herpes .

Need some space .

Just say yes

Im running out of ways to make you see.

I want you to stay here beside me.

I won't be ok and won't pretend that I am.

So just tell me today, take my hand.

Please take my hand.

Please take my hand.

Just say yes , just say there's nothing holding you back.

Its not a test nor a trick of the mind only love.

Its so simple and you know it is ,you know it is.

You can't be to and fro like this all our lives.

You're the only way to me, the path is clear.

What do i have to say to you?

For Gods sake, dear

For Gods sake, dear

Just say yes , just say there's nothing holding you back.

Its not a test nor a trick of the mind only love.

Just say yes, coz I'm aching and I know you are too.

Snow Patrol - Just say yes (2009)

I think that music has a unique way of talking right to your soul. You get songs that you can feel in your bones. The notes radiate through your body. Music has the power to make you remember , make you forget , make you happy and make you said . 

Its a gift to everyone on the planet.

Its one of human kinds greatest achievements. 

Music should never be taken for granted. 

Cape Town

In a bit of a Situation at the moment . I dont know what to do or how I'm ment to feel about it.

At the beginning of this year my friends and myself all went our separate ways and moved forward with our lives. Most of the guys who have been like brothers to me left Durban and moved down to Cape Town . They started attending Stellenbosch and The University of Cape Town while I stayed here in Durban . I didn't get accepted to university and obviously wasn't able to go . The friends that stayed all went to Varsity college wich is in the same city but i hardly saw them and that hurt like a knife through the heart.

I was really sad for a long time and started to hate Durban . I hated everything about it , the people , the lifestyle , the way it looked and the memories that it held for me.I hated it all . When it came time to start college i promised myself that i would not get attached to anyone so that there would be absolutely nothing to stop me from moving to Cape Town.

My friend Stuart ,who is currently living in Cape town and myself had a plan that we were going to move in together and live like we did when we were younger and when i was happiest. I even put a poster up on the inside of my door saying "im going to Cape Town " - positive thinking . I have been looking forward to it for the whole year . I could see that Cape Town would the solution to all my problems , i would be back with my friends and i would no longer feel lonely ...

Loneliness is the worst feeling in the world.....

I was so set on it. I was going to move and that was that . Things have changed over the last 3 odd weeks. The First thing i realized was that if i were to transfer i would have to break into a new crowd who had been there for a year already , they would have already formed their own groups of friends and i would not know anyone.
The second thing that came to mind hit me while i was sitting outside our cafeteria. I was sitting with a group of friends and i thought to myself "these are the guys that matter at the moment" these guys are the same guys that my parents refer to all the time , The friends that they have from student days .
These could be the friends that i keep for a long time to come .
I am apart of something here. These guys are my new friends . My new group . I dont want to leave these guys.

I have met new people , Awesome friends . I have met people that are special to me apart from those awesome friends . I know that i will miss these people and they will miss me. I dont want to leave them behind like my old friends left me.

I dont really want to leave now, i have become attached . I feel bad for letting Stuart down , For letting my Cousin and Aunt down and for letting Jurgen and Jason down . That is the only thing stopping me from staying here.

At the same time , my real friends will want what is best for me . Cape Town isn't going anywhere. I can move at a later stage in my life . Cape Town isn't the be all and end all . I can move out of my home and into somewhere in Durban , thats what i was wanting to do ... The fact that it isnt Cape Town is irrelevant.
I want to go to Cape town eventually , i dont have to go now . Whats the rush?
Its still to early to rule out moving altogether but i do find myself changing my mind about it . I was so set on it and now not so much.

A special person told me that i mustn't waste my time worrying about what it but rather just relax and know that when the time is right i will know what is best for me. Thats what i'm going to do .

Frightening

Sometimes i get so scared that my hands shake and i slip into a state of euphoria ....its like that deafening fear that cripples all of your senses yet somehow you're still able to function.

It happens mostly when i stand up in front of people and speak or say something that maybe i shouldn't have.
I remember when i was arrested for possession of marijuana . We were at a club in Durban late one saturday night . My best friend thought it would be cool if we organized two joints , one for each of us . I was against it but i lent him the money . Anyway we ended up smoking one between the two of us . We had just finished when a police van drove passed us . I told my mate " you had better chuck that roach because those cops are gonna come back this way " he didn't believe me and sure enough back they came and pulled up right next to us .

He threw the joint on the ground next to us . Later we would learn that any drugs found within 1,5m of a person counts as possession.

Long story short , we ended up being thrown in the back of the van . I had been trying my best to talk to the officer and try to get out of this one . Normally i can sweet talk my way out of anything . Not this time ....i was high of my ass , pumped with adrenaline and basically scared shitless .

We didn't get charged. The cop just wanted to scare us so that we wouldn't ever  do it again. But im not thankful , he was the nastiest motherfucker i have ever come across . No compassion at all ! i know we were in the wrong but still at least have some sense of basic human to human compassion .

Every time i see a cop car i shit myself .....literally

united states of fuck yeah!!

ahahahahahaha!!!!! , i see that i no longer have any views from America . Dont get upset guys!. I know that in my last post i did refer to you guys as internet sluts but thats no reason why we can still be friends .

Marriage and Divorce

A few days ago i was having an interesting convo with one of the photography students. We were talking about tattoos and what we wanted to get done and who we thought had really cool ink.
He told me that when he gets hitched he'll get a wedding band tattoo rather than a ring because he believes that marriage is eternal , you're not in it for the short term .

We went on to talk about marriage. his parents are divorced and have new partners . He told me that he doesnt understand why the is such a thing as legal marriage if we can just get divorced . I dont share this belief but i do think that its an interesting belief .

Marriage should be an optional he says , not official . People should be recognized as legal partners regardless of there marital status .

its a really far out notion but maybe theres some sense to it ? - I dont know ....