Thursday, 21 March 2013
Monday, 15 October 2012
mixed emotions
I look down and see the writing , words once brought a smile now the etchings made in humor and excitement force happiness away.
I cannot smile. To smile would be to give way to the act of letting go . To be ok with it . I dont want to be ok with it yet at the same time these etchings make me want to move on .
Tiredness , weakness , anger , dispare and loneliness linger on . The feelings come and go like ocean waves on sand . Tiny granules like millions of thoughts covered in emotion like water .
Encounters like exciting daggers are inevitable . These encounters are a vivid splash of color . Bright against dark . Separate but still one form .
This being brings inspiration . Why?...
I feed on it . Why ?...
I need it but dont want it .
Why?....
Friday, 5 October 2012
Followers
2 Followers and 300+ views . Something doesn't add up . Surely if you you guys enjoy reading my posts then follow them ? , I need incentive to write people . Who knows what hidden talent i might have . Maybe one day i could discover my literary genius and God given talent . My path to this point would be determined by the visible popularity of my blog . BUT that will never happen , at this rate anyway . By not following me you guys may be killing the dream and motivation of possibly the next Steven King .
Please people , help a brother out .
Please people , help a brother out .
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
love
Relationships are difficult . Its hard to find someone worth your time and its equally hard to hold onto them and make it work, However it is even harder to trust again after a relationship filled with pain and sadness.
Not a former love sick puppy , just a guy who has experienced such things. When you're young everything seems wonderfully care free . Everything we experience for the first time is exciting , even the bad things.
So it goes without saying that the first time we love it seems like the best thing in existence . Living in a world of bliss where your entire being beats and throbs for that one person . That person holds your heart in there hands and you foolishly , youthfully trust them with it . Heart break is not guaranteed but it can happen to anyone at anytime .
In the beginning things were beyond belief . Everything on the planet seemed somehow enhanced as though she was a drug for the world . Food tasted better , music spoke to your soul and you could find unmatchable happiness in everything and anything .
I felt as though I could find the capacity to do anything for her . Anything she asked I would try my very best to do. My reason being payment . Payment for her life and the fact that she had chosen to make me a part of it . I lived for this girl .
She wanted to be an actress , or a singer . I went to watch one of her shows , i saw it twice - Hairspray the musical . She was brilliant . I thought that it was the best show i had ever seen just because she was in it.
As time went on I felt that I could not be happier . I was on ecstasy , love ecstasy . Just instead of it slowly fading , it grew stronger and stronger . All my problems disappeared and could feel that she was becoming my other me . She knew me , the person i am deep down inside . She could tell me what i was thinking by just looking at me.
I met my soul mate when I was 17 on a golf course .
She told me that she loved me for the first time while i was on stage and she was in the audience . I lost my place and messed up the solo but i didn't care.
When she first told me that she was moving away i was shattered . She was moving to England and Leaving me behind. It was horrible but we decided that we would make the time we had together count. And then when we were older we would find each other again . I know now that our plan won't happen.
People often say that children don't know what love is but with time i have realized that what we had was love .
As time went on i began to notice that she was changing , becoming more emotional , angry , possessive. I would later realize that this was her way of not being able to deal with her sadness. This inability would be what would turn our relationship from a castle into ruins and rubble.
It ended and she went away. I didn't go to say goodbye at the airport, i still regret it . I tried to move on but i couldn't . I just wanted her back here with me , i want to have a fight with her, i want her to be mad at me for something , anything . All the negatives were irrelevant . I could have dealt with them and if i didn't know how i would find a way.
3 months passed before she found a new boyfriend . She wrote on his wall everyday just like she used to write on mine , a small thing i should have appreciated more . She called him the same nicknames that she had called me .
I tried to meet new people. I tried so hard . No one like her .
Since then every person who I felt i could let in has left me disappointed and alone . I have no trust in love or the prospect of relationships anymore . It sounds dramatic but im not sobbing over my keyboard as i write this . Im just speaking the truth .
It takes a lot to put yourself out and trust again , you vulnerably put yourself out there . Open to hurt but hopeful that things will be ok . In 2 years I've yet to be proven wrong
Im still hoping though .
Not a former love sick puppy , just a guy who has experienced such things. When you're young everything seems wonderfully care free . Everything we experience for the first time is exciting , even the bad things.
So it goes without saying that the first time we love it seems like the best thing in existence . Living in a world of bliss where your entire being beats and throbs for that one person . That person holds your heart in there hands and you foolishly , youthfully trust them with it . Heart break is not guaranteed but it can happen to anyone at anytime .
In the beginning things were beyond belief . Everything on the planet seemed somehow enhanced as though she was a drug for the world . Food tasted better , music spoke to your soul and you could find unmatchable happiness in everything and anything .
I felt as though I could find the capacity to do anything for her . Anything she asked I would try my very best to do. My reason being payment . Payment for her life and the fact that she had chosen to make me a part of it . I lived for this girl .
She wanted to be an actress , or a singer . I went to watch one of her shows , i saw it twice - Hairspray the musical . She was brilliant . I thought that it was the best show i had ever seen just because she was in it.
As time went on I felt that I could not be happier . I was on ecstasy , love ecstasy . Just instead of it slowly fading , it grew stronger and stronger . All my problems disappeared and could feel that she was becoming my other me . She knew me , the person i am deep down inside . She could tell me what i was thinking by just looking at me.
I met my soul mate when I was 17 on a golf course .
She told me that she loved me for the first time while i was on stage and she was in the audience . I lost my place and messed up the solo but i didn't care.
When she first told me that she was moving away i was shattered . She was moving to England and Leaving me behind. It was horrible but we decided that we would make the time we had together count. And then when we were older we would find each other again . I know now that our plan won't happen.
People often say that children don't know what love is but with time i have realized that what we had was love .
As time went on i began to notice that she was changing , becoming more emotional , angry , possessive. I would later realize that this was her way of not being able to deal with her sadness. This inability would be what would turn our relationship from a castle into ruins and rubble.
It ended and she went away. I didn't go to say goodbye at the airport, i still regret it . I tried to move on but i couldn't . I just wanted her back here with me , i want to have a fight with her, i want her to be mad at me for something , anything . All the negatives were irrelevant . I could have dealt with them and if i didn't know how i would find a way.
3 months passed before she found a new boyfriend . She wrote on his wall everyday just like she used to write on mine , a small thing i should have appreciated more . She called him the same nicknames that she had called me .
I tried to meet new people. I tried so hard . No one like her .
Since then every person who I felt i could let in has left me disappointed and alone . I have no trust in love or the prospect of relationships anymore . It sounds dramatic but im not sobbing over my keyboard as i write this . Im just speaking the truth .
It takes a lot to put yourself out and trust again , you vulnerably put yourself out there . Open to hurt but hopeful that things will be ok . In 2 years I've yet to be proven wrong
Im still hoping though .
Monday, 10 September 2012
Monday, 20 August 2012
Peace
Maybe I should stop using my writing to express my feelings , it can be dangerous i think to show the how world what you look like on the inside .
A good friend of mine told me last night that i have a talent for writing . I laughed him off . He told me that i should write a book. I laughed him off again . There are many people who write better than i do . They use longer words , awesome metaphors and seem to spit these lines that you just hear and think genius. Im not like that .
The thought of writing a book has crossed my mind . What to write about though? i've never been one for making up stories . My essays in school were shit .
Ok fuck it . I'm just gonna continue to post stuff that says whats going on in my life . Today was shit . i woke up thinking that today would better than yesterday and the day before that . It wasn't . In fact it was harder . I thought it you be fine but it wasn't . I was caught of guard and wasn't able to anticipate it.
Its time like these that i hate music . I hear a song that normally makes me happy and now its just makes me uncomfortable . The words that once filled me with joy burn and turn to ash and im left feeling shit .
Theres so much work to be done , so many things to think about and theres no way to escape it . Sure you could go do something that distracts you for awhile but then it all comes back and you have to deal with it . Sometimes i wish i could freeze time and just gather my thoughts or have a rest .
In this fantasy i can chose who i want to freeze time with . So i wont be lonely while the rest of the world is still and quiet .
It would be peaceful .....
Ok fuck it . I'm just gonna continue to post stuff that says whats going on in my life . Today was shit . i woke up thinking that today would better than yesterday and the day before that . It wasn't . In fact it was harder . I thought it you be fine but it wasn't . I was caught of guard and wasn't able to anticipate it.
Its time like these that i hate music . I hear a song that normally makes me happy and now its just makes me uncomfortable . The words that once filled me with joy burn and turn to ash and im left feeling shit .
Theres so much work to be done , so many things to think about and theres no way to escape it . Sure you could go do something that distracts you for awhile but then it all comes back and you have to deal with it . Sometimes i wish i could freeze time and just gather my thoughts or have a rest .
In this fantasy i can chose who i want to freeze time with . So i wont be lonely while the rest of the world is still and quiet .
It would be peaceful .....
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Fighting my sleep , in the dark
They say that if you put yourself out there you'll get what you want . You can make it happen if you just try.
That might be true for some things and not others or there could be things out there where this is the best way to go about it . If thats true then there are things that wont happen no matter how hard you try or how far you put yourself out . Laws of the universe . Thats just the way it is .
Sometimes its more complicated than just putting yourself out . It depends on the person and the situation. For me its hard to put myself out of my comfort zone .
Past experiences have taught me that putting myself out almost always results in getting hurt or disappointed. So when it comes to things that require bravery or strength i tend to try and play it safe .
You never get hurt if you dont put yourself in a position to be hurt . logic
The thing is what if this time things could be different ?. It could all be fine and work the way i want it to . All i have to do is man up and throw caution to the wind . I want to be brave and i want to be strong .
Sensitivity and empathy are very good qualities in a man . They are also huge burdens . At times i wish i could be an asshole . Just be nasty when the time asks for it . That way i could just defend myself with a thick skin and if people get to me i could just push them away and be safe....play it safe .
If i was nasty and didn't care then i wouldn't have to worry about the people around me . I could be tough and things would be easier but im not tough ...i cant be nasty and i cant stop myself from caring .
The simplest way i can explain it is like this: If two people are exhausted and lying in bed . The one falls asleep while the other fights through their tiredness and stays up all night because he doesn't want to disturb the other person by moving or maybe making to much noise while sleeping - I'm the one who stays up .
I care . I care a lot and because i care so much i end up worrying .
This time i want to put myself out . If i dont get out my comfort zone I risk loosing something special .
I can feel it slipping and i dont know if im just over analyzing and its fine or im right in thinking that its deteriorating. The advice im getting is all the same . " just go for it , what have you got to loose ?". I have got something to loose . All the good vibes could be lost and in their place awkwardness could remain. I dont mind feeling awkward but i dont want other people to feel that way . Its not a nice feeling for anyone .
I dont want to put myself out because i am afraid . I am scared . I wish there was a sign that says its ok . Its ok to go for it . Go for it , i want you to go for it ... Or , dont go for it . I just want to know .
Life would be so much easier if we all had a sign that we wore around our necks saying what we want from other people. It would save so much worry , fear , heartache . Even a sign saying , It'll be ok would work.
Im tired now . I'm tired of feeling in the dark , not just in situations like this but other ones as well .
I'm a nice person . I get mad at people like everyone does but i feel bad for being mad even when me being angry is ok , when i have a right to be angry .
I dont want to fight my sleep in the dark anymore .
Im not depressed about this whole situation, Just peaking my mind and if this post changes things then i"ll happy . If it doesn't then life goes on . Basically i just want to say that im not one to sit back and go with the flow . I just want to know .
That might be true for some things and not others or there could be things out there where this is the best way to go about it . If thats true then there are things that wont happen no matter how hard you try or how far you put yourself out . Laws of the universe . Thats just the way it is .
Sometimes its more complicated than just putting yourself out . It depends on the person and the situation. For me its hard to put myself out of my comfort zone .
Past experiences have taught me that putting myself out almost always results in getting hurt or disappointed. So when it comes to things that require bravery or strength i tend to try and play it safe .
You never get hurt if you dont put yourself in a position to be hurt . logic
The thing is what if this time things could be different ?. It could all be fine and work the way i want it to . All i have to do is man up and throw caution to the wind . I want to be brave and i want to be strong .
Sensitivity and empathy are very good qualities in a man . They are also huge burdens . At times i wish i could be an asshole . Just be nasty when the time asks for it . That way i could just defend myself with a thick skin and if people get to me i could just push them away and be safe....play it safe .
If i was nasty and didn't care then i wouldn't have to worry about the people around me . I could be tough and things would be easier but im not tough ...i cant be nasty and i cant stop myself from caring .
The simplest way i can explain it is like this: If two people are exhausted and lying in bed . The one falls asleep while the other fights through their tiredness and stays up all night because he doesn't want to disturb the other person by moving or maybe making to much noise while sleeping - I'm the one who stays up .
I care . I care a lot and because i care so much i end up worrying .
This time i want to put myself out . If i dont get out my comfort zone I risk loosing something special .
I can feel it slipping and i dont know if im just over analyzing and its fine or im right in thinking that its deteriorating. The advice im getting is all the same . " just go for it , what have you got to loose ?". I have got something to loose . All the good vibes could be lost and in their place awkwardness could remain. I dont mind feeling awkward but i dont want other people to feel that way . Its not a nice feeling for anyone .
I dont want to put myself out because i am afraid . I am scared . I wish there was a sign that says its ok . Its ok to go for it . Go for it , i want you to go for it ... Or , dont go for it . I just want to know .
Life would be so much easier if we all had a sign that we wore around our necks saying what we want from other people. It would save so much worry , fear , heartache . Even a sign saying , It'll be ok would work.
Im tired now . I'm tired of feeling in the dark , not just in situations like this but other ones as well .
I'm a nice person . I get mad at people like everyone does but i feel bad for being mad even when me being angry is ok , when i have a right to be angry .
I dont want to fight my sleep in the dark anymore .
Im not depressed about this whole situation, Just peaking my mind and if this post changes things then i"ll happy . If it doesn't then life goes on . Basically i just want to say that im not one to sit back and go with the flow . I just want to know .
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