Relationships are difficult . Its hard to find someone worth your time and its equally hard to hold onto them and make it work, However it is even harder to trust again after a relationship filled with pain and sadness.
Not a former love sick puppy , just a guy who has experienced such things. When you're young everything seems wonderfully care free . Everything we experience for the first time is exciting , even the bad things.
So it goes without saying that the first time we love it seems like the best thing in existence . Living in a world of bliss where your entire being beats and throbs for that one person . That person holds your heart in there hands and you foolishly , youthfully trust them with it . Heart break is not guaranteed but it can happen to anyone at anytime .
In the beginning things were beyond belief . Everything on the planet seemed somehow enhanced as though she was a drug for the world . Food tasted better , music spoke to your soul and you could find unmatchable happiness in everything and anything .
I felt as though I could find the capacity to do anything for her . Anything she asked I would try my very best to do. My reason being payment . Payment for her life and the fact that she had chosen to make me a part of it . I lived for this girl .
She wanted to be an actress , or a singer . I went to watch one of her shows , i saw it twice - Hairspray the musical . She was brilliant . I thought that it was the best show i had ever seen just because she was in it.
As time went on I felt that I could not be happier . I was on ecstasy , love ecstasy . Just instead of it slowly fading , it grew stronger and stronger . All my problems disappeared and could feel that she was becoming my other me . She knew me , the person i am deep down inside . She could tell me what i was thinking by just looking at me.
I met my soul mate when I was 17 on a golf course .
She told me that she loved me for the first time while i was on stage and she was in the audience . I lost my place and messed up the solo but i didn't care.
When she first told me that she was moving away i was shattered . She was moving to England and Leaving me behind. It was horrible but we decided that we would make the time we had together count. And then when we were older we would find each other again . I know now that our plan won't happen.
People often say that children don't know what love is but with time i have realized that what we had was love .
As time went on i began to notice that she was changing , becoming more emotional , angry , possessive. I would later realize that this was her way of not being able to deal with her sadness. This inability would be what would turn our relationship from a castle into ruins and rubble.
It ended and she went away. I didn't go to say goodbye at the airport, i still regret it . I tried to move on but i couldn't . I just wanted her back here with me , i want to have a fight with her, i want her to be mad at me for something , anything . All the negatives were irrelevant . I could have dealt with them and if i didn't know how i would find a way.
3 months passed before she found a new boyfriend . She wrote on his wall everyday just like she used to write on mine , a small thing i should have appreciated more . She called him the same nicknames that she had called me .
I tried to meet new people. I tried so hard . No one like her .
Since then every person who I felt i could let in has left me disappointed and alone . I have no trust in love or the prospect of relationships anymore . It sounds dramatic but im not sobbing over my keyboard as i write this . Im just speaking the truth .
It takes a lot to put yourself out and trust again , you vulnerably put yourself out there . Open to hurt but hopeful that things will be ok . In 2 years I've yet to be proven wrong
Im still hoping though .
